I long ago gave on making resolutions for New Year's. It's an exercise in futility and frustration, and at this stage in my life, pointless--whatever I am, I am, for better or worse. No, it's much more fun to suggest resolutions that other people should make. It's always clearer how lives can be improved when you're looking at them from the outside. So, without further ado, we present:

MICK'S TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTONS OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD MAKE IN ORDER TO PROMOTE A HEALTHIER, HAPPIER PLANET

10. Ashton Kutcher should resolve to do something more meaningful with his life, like dog-walking or pest control. The Boy-Toy Thang is getting old.

9. Pervez Musharraf should resolve to decide once and for all whose side he's on.

8. Tom DeLay should resolve to finally have that heart transplant he's been needing and let them install one.

7. Britney Spears should resolve to start acting her age.

6. Ariel Sharon should resolve to retire to Palm Beach and devote the rest of his life to sitting quietly in a corner with his needlepoint.

5. Bill Gates should resolve to spend the next year standing on a stool in Times Square, apologizing to anyone who walks by.

4. Steven Spielberg should resolve to leave serious film-making to serious film-makers.

3. Dick Cheney should resolve to leave his crypt in the daytime. Just once....

2. Condi Rice should resolve to admit in public her long-standing affair with Junior and, while she's at it, challenge Laura to a duel. Everybody knows she wants to.

And the Number One New Year's Resolution Someone Else Should Make In Order to Promote a Healthier, Happier Planet:

1. George W Bush (well, you knew that was coming, didn't you?) should resolve to find his natural level of competence and resign the presidency in order to become the assistant manager of a branch bank in West Alice.

Bonus Group Resolution:

• The Democratic Leadership Council should resolve to dissolve after acknowledging that they've only been right twice in the last 25 years, and both times it was an accident.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (Yeah, right.)